


Blue and Sparkly

by ikkiM



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 17:28:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4230597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaime's bachelor party has unintended consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue and Sparkly

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the worst thing I have ever written. I gift it to [Whosit-of-Whocares](http://whosit-of-whocares.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr.
> 
> I apologize profusely for this fic and suggest that you just close the window now before reading.
> 
> Not Safe for Work, or any viewing ever, for any reason. This is a [manjazzle/pejazzle](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/3100278887/c06ab01a94acdf3b619df61a944db647_400x400.jpeg) and it inspired this fic. Don't click that link. Just don't. And close the browser window now.
> 
> I am so sorry.

Jaime's stomach heaved and he reached for the trashcan placed thoughtfully by the bed. He emptied his stomach for the third time that morning. He rinsed his mouth out with a drink of water and then spit. He didn't remember much about his bachelor party last night. There had been strippers. _Boring_. There had been alcohol, copious amounts of alcohol. He remembered declaring his love for Brienne in the middle of the street and swearing he would do anything for her. Then they went somewhere else, somewhere important, but he couldn't remember. His head was pounding. He considered ripping out his own heart so it wouldn't beat so loudly. Then, his bladder called for his attention.

He pondered urinating on himself, but the thought of the smell made his stomach lurch again. He gingerly swung one leg over the side of the bed. The movement caused an odd itching sensation in his crotch, which only increased his need to pee.

He swung the other leg over the side of the bed.

With effort, he managed to pull himself into a sitting position and stood. It was only six steps to the bathroom. He could make it. He took the first step and there was an odd scratching between his thighs. He shook his head only to groan in pain.

He managed the remaining steps before grabbing onto the bathroom door frame. With a deep breath, he positioned himself in front of the toilet and pulled his boxers down and grasped his cock.

It felt... weird. Rough, as if it had been rolled in gravel. He looked down at the member in his hand and blinked. It seemed to twinkle. He shook his head, groaned and blinked again before looking down. He wasn't imagining things. His cock was blue and sparkly.

 

* * *

 

His calls all went to voicemail. His texts went unanswered. None of his so-called friends would respond to him. He imagined making them all wear sandpaper condoms while they danced to the _Rains of Castamere_. What had they done to him? And was it permanent? He tried a quick rub to see if the sparkles would fall off and it _hurt_.

He managed to empty his bladder and make it back to the bed, flopping down gracelessly. His phone vibrated, sending a shooting pain through his skull. He checked his text messages hoping it was from his brother.

_Wench: Tyrion tells me you might need my help. Are you okay?_

_Me: I am going to kill him._

_Me: If I survive._

_Wench: He said you'd be hungover._

_Me: I am going to hang him over a balcony._

_Wench: That bad?_

_Me: Worse._

_Wench: I'm almost there. Marg is dropping me off._

_Me: NO!_

_Wench: What?_

_Me: uh...you don't want to see me like this._

_Wench: I've already seen you at your worst Jaime._

_Me: I...Brienne...somehow..._

_Wench: ?_

_Me: Fuck it._

_Me: Someone glued blue glittery shit all over my cock._

_Wench: ..._

_Wench: What?_

_Me: My cock. It's blue and sparkles._

_Wench: Are you still drunk?_

_Me: No, look, I don't know how it happened. I can't remember._

_Wench: Is this a joke? I know you call it your magic horn, but...blue? Sparkly?_

_Wench: I'm at the door._

_Me: You'll still marry me, right?_

"Jaime," Brienne called from the living room. Jaime groaned and covered his head with a pillow, leaving the rest of him bare for her viewing. He heard her enter the bedroom. "Jaime, are you seriously trying to tell me..." her voice trailed off and she inhaled sharply. "Oh."

Brienne's phone began ringing. His head felt like it was exploding. He heard her answer.

"Tyrion Lannister, I am going split you open with a paring knife," she said. He smiled into the pillow. That was his wench. "What have you done to my fiancé?" If only she weren't shouting.

She was silent for a moment.

"I see," she said, her voice soft. "He really wanted to get my name tattoo-ed where?"

Blessed silence again.

"Thank you for talking him out of it, but how do I get it off?" she asked.

He heard Tyrion laughing through the phone.

"I'm pretty sure glitter won't melt in my mouth, little man," she said and he could hear her teeth grinding. He was thankful to Tyrion for the suggestion though.

Another pause.

"I can do that," she said and he heard her drop her phone.

He lifted the pillow from his eyes to see her standing at the end of the bed, staring at his bedazzled cock. He felt himself stir, not that he could with this level of a hangover.

She bit her lip. Well. Maybe he could do a little something. If she were willing to be on top. Hells, she liked being on top anyway. There was a certain tightness as his cock tried to stretch beneath its glittery coat.

She glanced up and met his eyes. "Tyrion says it will wear off in about a week."

The discomfort from the pulling of the skin on his cock was at war with his thoughts of Brienne above him, nipples there for his hands, thighs squeezing him.

"A week?" he croaked. "The wedding is in a week."

She nodded. "Until then, we can't, I mean, it would..." she shook her head and he understood. It did feel like gravel in his hand. He certainly couldn't ask her to and he wasn't sure he could anyway.

Jaime's phone buzzed and he grabbed it, reading the text from Tyrion.

_FavoriteSibling: Seems you have a reason now to wait until your wedding night._

Jaime tapped out a quick response.

_Me: Fuck you._


End file.
